Sorry that I kind of left you all hanging after a recent post where I was battling the decision to return to work. I know you all have been dying to know what I decided to do (too bad you can't hear the sarcasm in my voice). Anyway....
Last weekend was a rough one. The mood swings I experienced made Sybil look sane. One moment I was sad and depressed and would find myself sobbing uncontrollably. Then I would be angry, lashing out at the Captain and impatient with the girls. In between the guilt nearly suffocated me. So saying it was a rough weekend (for everyone) is putting it mildly.
Every time I thought about leaving my babies for 10+ hours every day, my heart ached. I cried imagining coming home only to find that I had missed the Little One's first steps or first word. I was heartbroken to think that the Big One would miss the friends she has made at Story Time and gymnastics. I couldn't bear the thought that the Big One's routine would be drastically changed for the fourth time only two years.
I was angry. I felt the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I checked and rechecked my blog, hoping that someone would comment on my post and give me the answer I was seeking. I wanted the Captain to tell me what to do. He, being the wise man that he is, kept silent, allowing me to process every option, weigh every pro and every con. Surely he knew that him giving me the answer was not the solution and was nothing but a double edged sword. I was angry at the thought of him being there with our girls every day, watching them grow, while I was out growing someone else's business.
I was overcome with guilt. I knew that this was an opportunity that could bring financial freedom to our household. I knew that we wouldn't have to stress or worry about money. I knew that income would ease the Captain's and my mind, but deep down in my heart I simply didn't want to do it. I felt guilty that I didn't want to make the sacrifice.
The best and worst part was that the Captain left the decision entirely up to me trusting me to do what my heart told me was the best for all of us. In the end I decided that working in an industry that requires so much of me (regardless of the money), is not the best decision for our family. I knew that if I chose to leave my girls to work outside of the home for 50+ hours per week, and then not be 100% available to them while I was home, that I would never forgive myself. And more importantly I would be angry. I would be angry that I was missing out on some of the most important years of their lives and I would never recover from that. And the possibility that my marriage would also never recover because of my anger was just too big of a chance for me to take.
After all, in 40 years, my girls will not remember what toy I was or wasn't able to buy for them, but hopefully they will remember that I was there with them at story time and gymnastics. They will hopefully remember that when I was home, my attention was 100% focused on them, not on a cell phone or on paperwork, but on them.
When I sat down with the Captain and explained my decision, I could sense his disappointment, but still he supported me. He told me that he understood, and that he thought all along it was the decision I would make. We discussed our options and came up with plans. We know that the next few months will be a struggle. I know that I may have to return to working outside the home, but not for 50+ hours a week, and in turn will not be bringing home a huge paycheck. We are working together to slowly build a better life for us and our family. The solution will not happen over night, but I truly believe that I have made the right decision. We will not resent one another in the end, because we are doing this together and for ourselves as well as for each other. We are both bettering ourselves and will be furthering our education to create the stability that we both crave.
It is going to be hard, but for me it's now or never. We certainly aren't getting any younger!
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