Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Maybe I'm Just Not Cut Out For This

A few times a month (sometimes more) I reach my breaking point. It is then that I start to seriously question my abilities as a mother, a wife and sometimes even a functioning adult.  Lately there have been a lot of those days.

These are the days where sleep is limited. On these days the Big One and I are at war. Everything is a battle. I lose my cool and then she ends up in tears with dramatic flair that puts most soap opera stars to shame. The Little One doesn't sleep and whines and fusses the majority of the day, and by the time the Captain gets home I am at the end of my rope.

I love my girls, but sometimes I am over the constant whining and crying. I just want nap time to happen peacefully. I want the girls to go to sleep at night without a two hour fight. I do not want to be a jungle gym and have tiny little fingers and toes digging into my flesh. I do not want a tiny little fist pulling out a clump of my hair.  I really don't want to be the Prince or Dora, or Sponge Bob, or Patrick. I don't want to pretend to go jelly fishing, or play grocery shopping or kitchen. I simply want to be left alone for five freaking minutes.

And then I feel guilty.

I remember a time when I so missed being a mother. I remember the tearful nights spent praying for another chance to be a mom. I remember the promise that I would cherish every moment, if I would just be given the opportunity to love and be loved by a child.  Now I have been given that second chance and some days I feel like I am doing it all wrong. After 20 hours of non-stop mothering, I lie in bed and think "Maybe I'm just  cut out for this."

As I lie there listening to the Captain snoring next to me, I wonder how long my marriage will survive the lack of attention it is receiving. How long can I continue to give my husband the minuscule amounts of me that are left after a day with the kids? And where do I fit in? After the girls and the Captain, what is left for me? I am still an individual after being wife and mommy... aren't I?

I did it all wrong the first time. I was young and didn't sacrifice enough of myself for my Firstborn, and then I lost her. So now, I am doing the opposite and in the process losing myself. I can't seem to find the balance and I am left feeling like an inadequate wife and mother. I find myself wondering "What has become of the woman I used to be?" So, as I said before- Maybe I'm just not cut out for this!

What pushes you to your breaking point? How do you deal with it? I'd love for you to share. You can add a little sunshine to my day by voting for me on Top Mommy Blogs! Thanks


  1. Could have written this myself ...the endless cycle of guilt!!! I miss you my friend and wish we were closer so we could slowly go insane together!

    1. I miss you too, maybe some day our paths will cross again for longer than an afternoon...I fear that by that point we will already be insane and may be sharing a room at the "home" our children have selected for us! :)

  2. This is suuuuuuuch a great post. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Being the "nurturer" of the whole family can be completely draining, and then of course the guilt makes it 100 times worse. When I'm having an "I'm Losing My Mind" moment, I just try to remember how fortunate I am. It helps a little, but being a mom is still so. so. hard.

    1. Thanks. It's nice to know that people can relate to this post. It helps me not to feel like such a bad mommy. It seems that when I think I can't take a second more of the insanity I hear "I love you mommy" or the girls do something to make me laugh... It gives me the strength to make it just a bit longer! :)